Hi Everyone,
Let me start out with a thank you. I really appreciate the thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement, those are very helpful to us. I don’t have anything new to report as far as my health goes at the moment but I will have another PET / CT scan this week. I guess the reason I’m writing today is to share with you some of the things I have been going through emotionally. JR and I had a long conversation about this a while ago and he suggested that I share this with you all.
I’m really struggling with this whole cancer thing. I’m not feeling any of the things you’ve described me as being lately. I don’t feel positive, I definitely don’t feel strong and I know that what I have, I will not beat. It’s not curable. I can live with this for many years but unless I get run over by a bus or something equally as stupid, this will most likely be the thing that I die from. I’m having a very hard time wrapping my head around that one. Which leads me to why I am writing today. I need your prayers more than ever right now.
I feel like I’m walking around with this tremendous weight on my shoulders. Cancer is on my mind almost 100% of the time. It is so disruptive and time consuming. There are times that I find myself consoling others and I’m trying desperately to convince you that I will be OK and that I am OK. And you know what? I’m not OK. I’m unbelievably sad, I am very afraid and I am very, very angry. I’m feeling emotions and reacting in ways that are all new to me. So if I act like a total nut job, please cut me some slack?
I’ve had plenty of practice dealing with adversity in my life to a point that you would think I’ve been bred to deal with this whole cancer thing. I’m not feeling very prepared right now. I find myself focusing on things that I will not live long enough to see. Or start thinking about people that I will leave behind and I am overwhelmed with sadness.
Over the holidays while we were visiting with JR’s dad and wife, we were gathered in the living room talking about Steph and Nicky’s upcoming graduations. And I thought to myself how fortunate Don and Bev are, to live long enough to see their granddaughters achieve so much in their lives so far. And then I realized that I will not be that lucky. I won’t live to see any of my grandchildren graduate college. I may not live long enough to see them graduate from Kindergarten. I may not live long enough to make any sort of impact on their lives at all or have them remember who Mom-mom Anderson was in the first place. JR will have to be a Pop-pop all by himself and I don’t want that for him. I want to be there with him to experience those things together. The thought of leaving JR behind is more than I can stand. That we will not be together is unthinkable for me.
And I think to myself, I WANT TO LIVE DAMN IT! I really, really want to live! I don’t want to die! And I get very angry because I see perfectly healthy people throwing their lives away doing nothing. Nothing for themselves or for any one else and I’m pissed! Because that person, who contributes nothing to anyone, that person who totally wastes their lives giving nothing and taking everything, that person gets to live. For a very long time. That person will get to live to be old enough to complain about all the things growing old lets you complain about. And I will have to die at an early age and I want to cry “That’s bullshit!”
I have a life, one that’s worth living and I feel unbelievably cheated that it will be cut short. Oh sure I’m not out raising money to cure cancer, KJ, or delivering Meals on Wheels to the needy, Joanne, or spending time with the elderly because their families don’t, Jules. But I still feel like I have a worthy life and I’d like to be around a lot longer than I will be. Trust me, I am not taking a single moment that I get to spend with any of you for granted. I am so blessed each and every time I get to be with my family and friends and I appreciate every single second of that time together.
So I know I have an “X” amount of time left, and I think, OK Jen, what are you going to do with this time? I wish I could tell you that I’ve come up with something really cool but I haven’t. The best I can come up with so far is to enjoy as many moments that will take my breath away as I can. And I have to tell you that’s pretty easy to do if you’re paying attention to those around you. Time is the most precious thing we’ve been given.
Time. How much time? I have no idea how much time. That’s one of the most frustrating parts of this fight. Every thing in my life, your life, all of our lives pretty much have a beginning, middle and end. My original diagnosis had this whole plan laid out for me, surgery, eight chemo sessions, Tamoxifen treatment, 3 month check ups etc. There was a beginning, middle and end. This time around, it’s a wait and see game plan. How does one fight and work a plan that has not been set? This is not something I am equipped to deal with. All this waiting and not knowing is awful. I know how to fight something I can see. I know how to fight with a game plan. This, I have no idea how to handle this. Because this is the beginning, everything from here on out is the middle, and the end will be the end. I don’t know how to square that one in my head or my heart.
So these are the types of things I am thinking about and it’s pretty over whelming. Every sunset, the full moon, Christmas tree decorations, a great meal, laughing with friends… each time I wonder if this will be the last time I get to experience this. And I know I will continue to ask myself that question over and over. Or I’ll be sad when I think about something that I won’t ever get to experience in the first place. I don’t know how to stop myself from doing that.
I really hope when you read this you don’t hear me saying poor me, or I’m giving up or think I’m sitting here just waiting to die. I’m not. I will fight and fight and when you think the fight is out of me I will get back up and fight some more. I will not give up. Ever. I know that medicine is changing and improving all of the time and that maybe just maybe someone somewhere will invent something that will save my life. In the meantime, I will be here trying to kick the crap out of something I cannot see and something that does not fight fair.
So there it is. That’s how I’m doing right now. I know this is a process and eventually I will get to where I am living a perfectly normal life where cancer is not the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. And I do get that there are plenty of people out there who have much more serious illnesses than I do and much less time. My heart breaks for those who are ill regardless the severity. I’m just really sad and overwhelmed right now trying to figure out a way to deal with it all. So thank you for listening to my rant. I appreciate it very much. I hope you are all doing well today and that I get to see you soon.
Love to you all and God bless.
Jen
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Jen Anderson was born in Pittsburgh PA and now lives in Eden Prairie, MN with her husband J.R. The family includes three daughters, Nicky, Jessica, and Stephanie. Jen was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on October 8, 2006 when she was 40 years old. This is the ongoing story of her fight, her humor, and her strength. Please review the First Post "The Whole Story So Far" from December 2006 to get caught up. Thanks!
Jen at the 2009 3-Day 60 mile walk
Breast Cancer Information Sites
Jen's Chemo Schedule
- Doxorubicin (Adriamycin) 40 Min - Cyclophosphamide (Cytoxan) 30 Min
- 01/04/07 - Chemo #2
- 01/18/07 - Chemo #3
- 02/01/07 - Chemo #4
- Taxol - Five hour Chemo Visit
- 02/15/07 - Chemo #1
- 03/01/07 - Chemo #2
- 03/14/07 - Chemo #3
- 03/29/07 - Chemo #4 FINAL CHEMO!!
About Me
- Jennifer and J.R. Anderson
- Eden Prairie, MN
- Jen was diagnosed with breast cancer on October 8, 2006. A lumpectomy and sentinel node dissection in late October lead to a double mastectomy on November 30, 2006. Jen's daily battles, like so many women's, are inspirational, challenging and many times very funny. In November of 2008 Jen's breast cancer was found to have metastasized on her lumbar spine. So began a new fight. In December 2009, new metastatic activity was found in wide spread area's of Jen's thoracic and cervical vertebrae, along with a spot on her skull. In early 2010 it was determined that the cancer had spread throughout all of Jen's bones. Yet another battle in the war. The details are in these blog posts.
10 comments:
Hey Jen-
I don't know that you know me - I think maybe we met once - or not. I am not certain.
I have occasionally checked in on you as I am an old friend of "The Bear" --- so I sort of have a connection to you that way I guess.
Anyway - the point of my comment ---
You are allowed to feel whatever you want and NEED to feel --- I hope and pray that no one is telling you otherwise --- even if your cancer is not the worst case -- you are free to process your grief and your anger in any way you want and should not apologize to those of us who are *not you* and don't even get 1/10th of what you have going on in your heart and head ...
I hope you're safe to be whatever you want to be and that if you don't feel like being strong and positive that those in your life will allow you to be weak and negative and any other thing you need to be.
I am so sorry you are facing this. I feel terrible for you guys and I will continue praying for answers (and a plan) for you and for your endurance and I will even dare to pray for peace in the midst of this battle ...
with love
t.
Hi Jen,
Thanks for writing that last post.
I remember the story you told me about the angry ex-boyfriend who burned your house down when you were a teenager (how many people can say their "x" burned their house down?) And I remember the part about your sister's bible surviving the fire. We had a lot of conversations about spiritual stuff back in those days.
One thing I've always been sure of is that you're going to live forever - and that belief hasn't changed at all over the last couple years.
Talk to you soon,
Mike in Boston
Dear Jen,
We are here for you and JR. This awful experience called cancer can only be all-encompassing. We appreciate your honesty and support you with our prayers and thoughts and anything else you can think of !
We appreciate your honest, real updates.
Sara and Pete
J & J,
Thanks for including me in the email. It is so difficult for me to find the right thing to say at times like this. Yet your words and personal insights are amazing and in some ways freeing for me. We were all sent here to die and the timing is the only difference. But most of us need people like you, Jen, to bravely share the very real thoughts and emotions that afflict you. I have always believed everyone has a mission (still looking for mine). Yours for now seems to be to place lamp posts on what otherwise is a dark path.
I was hit by a car in December while riding my bike at night. It was my first time ever to ride at night and I bought some really cool Peewee Hermon blinking lights. I guess I flew through the air, came down on my back unconscious. Blood was dripping profusely from my head, but I got up and moved my bike to the side of the road. Outside of subsequent soreness and bruising, I was totally OK.
I thought, as the days passed, that I was very lucky (no helmet, etc.) that it wasn't my time. But it forced me to think about what if that would have been my time - no preparation, to good-byes, no completion of very important conversations. Blah, blah - you get the point.
I pray for joy for you both. And I hope you continue to find the strength to enlighten us-happy-go-lucky idiots. Thanks for your very important insights!
Blessings,
Tom Schirber
You complain so much! what a pain in the ass!
Seriously Jen. As far as how you're feeling and acting, the ONLY guidelines you need to stay within are laws. Be however you want to be. (F - em all!) You don't have to worry about hurting anyone, as it's not in your nature to do that purposely to the people you care for.
JR has big shoulders, he'll be fine if you snap every now and then - trust me, been there.
Its important to bear in mind that this IS an "all about me" scenario. That's one of the reasons it seems to be so hard. The odd thing is that it's "all about me" for you (going through the illness) and for those of us attached to you as well (all about us respectively).
As you notice, the illness is such that, as people, we (friends, family and acquaintances) are primarily "all about me" creatures.
Unquestionably, everyone cares for you immeasurably and is concerned for your well-being, but in the face of the unknown, we all redound to the "how does this affect me" or self survival train of instinctive thought.
Some of people, on a subconscious level, even view your illness as a reminder of mortality.
Without realizing they kick into a self survival mode and voice "what will I do without you/how does your illness affect me" fears. Hedy-Jo realized and expressed this often.
You also have the underlying fact that some people's reaction is to express your value in terms of "You mean so much to me" or "who will make that great Spam dish at the Christmas party this year if Jen's laid up with a bad case or the radiations".
People's inability to offer functional help to you, leaves many unwittingly expressing subconscious fears or well wishes and exhalations of your value.
We feel like you do. We are unable to affect the outcome, so we do what we know - show you the love, care and concern in our hearts. The manner of expression may not necessarily be what you want or expect, but it's there.
You Humeston's never know enough to drop over. You're no damn different. I am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that you and I will be emailing bad jokes to one another for many years to come.
You are a remarkable woman and an unparalleled friend.
Best,
Josh
Jenn-
My heart bleeds for you! I pray for you daily and pray that we will have many, many, many more years graced with your presence! I wish I could just for 1 single moment take some of your frustration, fear, pain, anguish all of the unhappy feelings and allow you thoroughly enjoy your life without ANY of the horrible feelings. In the meantime I think we need to get together and drink, laugh, cry and help make a kick ass plan of what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I Love You!!!
Jen,
You are the my most inspirational person, with your strength, grace, and humanity (the range of emotions you've been feeling).
I consider you a sister, and appreciate you sharing your thoughts, pains, triumphs, frustrations.
I want you to know that I'll always support, cheer, pull for you.
Thanks for being my friend
Jeff Ryan
Jen... You are a real bad ass! You are in my prayers. If you ever want to talk to someone who is across the country, won't judge you, and understands first hand what it is like to be really sick, please cqll me. I will just listen and wont give you any advise unless you ask for it.
Love,
Alec.
dear Jen---you i dont think know me but i have been friends with some of your friends for over 25 years and on facebook saw your benefit and i watched your video with your story.
I myself suffer daily with fibromyalga that has taken over my entire body malfunctioning every important part of your body you can think of right down to my kidneys,liver,bladder,and bowels...fibro is a disease that attacks your mass it can be centralized in one area or in rare cases affect your whole body ...i went undiagnosed for five years doctors just very unsure why i was having such awful physical pain and migraines that never ceased to stop...on top of all this 16 years ago i was diagnosed with depression and adhd and found out after my beautiful kids were born i was allergic to being pregnant...at one point it was all i could do to crawl to the bathroom and go i was bedridden in
I dont want pity at all as i also chose to fight back again playing in my head the constant recordings of what ifs and why me but yet trying to convince everyone i was ok and would be ok...thatis an impossibility it seems,when you so badly want to let everyone know but inside iam not to sure i can convince myself of this...as I to will eventually pass away from this.there is no cure just meds to extend and help with life.
i have not had near the scans and all that you have gone through but enough to know. that it was very so many scans that they know me by first name basis at the hospital now...itto does not seem fair that there isnt anything they can do to stop this all just give you pills to relieve prolong and let you get by for as long as you can...again i dont want pity.i want to tell you that you have been an inspiration to me and i believe that the Lord puts people in our paths as to one way or another impact and give us messages.
you have helped me to realize that there are others out there suffering more than i do and r just as confused and worried and scared. it seems that as soon as we r notified through our bodies,our hearts and our minds Inside forever being comsumed in our thoughts...i being a single mom of a elementary school aged child who to speak of legally and emotionally has no father i had to decide where and how she would be taken care of if something was to happen to me...the paper work and working it all out was very emotional process but with the Lord allows i made my mind up.
So as i go thru life now i stop at nothing to live the fullest i can and making each day matter. I also will be participating in the relay for life relay here in a few weeks in my town as i feel equally fulfilled giving back and if i can give you or someone enough funds to get more treatments PRAISE God!!!The reason i write this all to you is that i wanted to let you know that you are not alone and i think that your feelings and emotions are very real important and validated.
i have absolutely been inspired and touched by your story! You r an awesome woman and a winner
As I pray this day for you Jen Lord Jesus the giver of life and the one who knows our destiney before we r put in this world i ask you today right now with my whole heart that you would continue to bless Jen and all of her daily living that she understands what a huge difference she is making in her own life and in others...thank you for putting her story in my path today Lord as i have drawn huge admiration and inspiration from it! Lord i would ask that you remove all of the thoughts and fears from her mind and not let it consume her i ask this Lord of you because i know you can make this happen as also draw from her heart over her head with the knowledge that she is not only changing her life but the others that are around herlet me also continue to hear your calling Lord to give back and make the small difference.amen
Jen may you be blessed with Gods peace Also may you greet each day with a smile and each night with an amen! Bless your heart and take good care of YOU .
Jen i hope that all made sense to you as i had to condense it quite a bit for the space allowed take care and bless your family all your friends and peace!
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