Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Gratitude and Roller Coaster Rides

Hi Everyone,

First let me start this note with this…..YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!!!!! I can not thank you enough for the calls, letters, cards, e-mails and personal visits. You overwhelm me with your support, encouragement and prayers. You collectively gave me exactly what I needed to get past all the emotions I have been feeling. Thank you so much for that. I wish I could share with you the lessons you taught me this past couple of weeks but even I can’t write that much. ☺ You gave me hope, encouragement, permission, purpose, perspective, information and a good old fashioned ass whooping. All of which was just what the Dr. ordered. Thank you!

I mentioned in my last blog that I was scheduled for a PET / CT scan last week. We got the test results back and things are looking really good. First, the blood work came back with very good news. If you remember I have a regular test called the CA 27.29 which is a tumor marker test. Normal ranges are between 0 – 35 and when this whole thing started over I tested at a 79. My test result came back a 31, and that is one of the lowest results I’ve gotten in a long time. So yeah on that test.

Second, my PET / CT scan indicates that “most” of the cancer is gone on L3 and L5. I don’t know what “near complete interval resolution of what was abnormal metabolic activity” technically means but it sounds really good to me. Dr. Bowers said that I will have another PET / CT scan in 3 months to see if the lesions have been reduced further. She said that these results are better than even she expected them to be and credited the Zometa treatments to the reduction in the lesions.

This Zometa thing is really becoming a big deal in the treatment of cancer. Some recent studies have shown it to reduce not only cancer in bone but early indicators suggest it prevents it from coming back in tissue too. I like the sounds of that. Dr. Bowers also told me that breast cancer that metastasizes in bone does not usually go else where. I like the sound of that too.

So that is my update for the time being. We are going to keep our fingers crossed that this will keep shrinking and I won’t have new lesions develop elsewhere. Again, thank you all for your support, you will never know how much you helped me. Take care, God bless and have a great day!

Love to you all,

Jen

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Jen Rant

Hi Everyone,

Let me start out with a thank you. I really appreciate the thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement, those are very helpful to us. I don’t have anything new to report as far as my health goes at the moment but I will have another PET / CT scan this week. I guess the reason I’m writing today is to share with you some of the things I have been going through emotionally. JR and I had a long conversation about this a while ago and he suggested that I share this with you all.

I’m really struggling with this whole cancer thing. I’m not feeling any of the things you’ve described me as being lately. I don’t feel positive, I definitely don’t feel strong and I know that what I have, I will not beat. It’s not curable. I can live with this for many years but unless I get run over by a bus or something equally as stupid, this will most likely be the thing that I die from. I’m having a very hard time wrapping my head around that one. Which leads me to why I am writing today. I need your prayers more than ever right now.

I feel like I’m walking around with this tremendous weight on my shoulders. Cancer is on my mind almost 100% of the time. It is so disruptive and time consuming. There are times that I find myself consoling others and I’m trying desperately to convince you that I will be OK and that I am OK. And you know what? I’m not OK. I’m unbelievably sad, I am very afraid and I am very, very angry. I’m feeling emotions and reacting in ways that are all new to me. So if I act like a total nut job, please cut me some slack?

I’ve had plenty of practice dealing with adversity in my life to a point that you would think I’ve been bred to deal with this whole cancer thing. I’m not feeling very prepared right now. I find myself focusing on things that I will not live long enough to see. Or start thinking about people that I will leave behind and I am overwhelmed with sadness.

Over the holidays while we were visiting with JR’s dad and wife, we were gathered in the living room talking about Steph and Nicky’s upcoming graduations. And I thought to myself how fortunate Don and Bev are, to live long enough to see their granddaughters achieve so much in their lives so far. And then I realized that I will not be that lucky. I won’t live to see any of my grandchildren graduate college. I may not live long enough to see them graduate from Kindergarten. I may not live long enough to make any sort of impact on their lives at all or have them remember who Mom-mom Anderson was in the first place. JR will have to be a Pop-pop all by himself and I don’t want that for him. I want to be there with him to experience those things together. The thought of leaving JR behind is more than I can stand. That we will not be together is unthinkable for me.

And I think to myself, I WANT TO LIVE DAMN IT! I really, really want to live! I don’t want to die! And I get very angry because I see perfectly healthy people throwing their lives away doing nothing. Nothing for themselves or for any one else and I’m pissed! Because that person, who contributes nothing to anyone, that person who totally wastes their lives giving nothing and taking everything, that person gets to live. For a very long time. That person will get to live to be old enough to complain about all the things growing old lets you complain about. And I will have to die at an early age and I want to cry “That’s bullshit!”

I have a life, one that’s worth living and I feel unbelievably cheated that it will be cut short. Oh sure I’m not out raising money to cure cancer, KJ, or delivering Meals on Wheels to the needy, Joanne, or spending time with the elderly because their families don’t, Jules. But I still feel like I have a worthy life and I’d like to be around a lot longer than I will be. Trust me, I am not taking a single moment that I get to spend with any of you for granted. I am so blessed each and every time I get to be with my family and friends and I appreciate every single second of that time together.

So I know I have an “X” amount of time left, and I think, OK Jen, what are you going to do with this time? I wish I could tell you that I’ve come up with something really cool but I haven’t. The best I can come up with so far is to enjoy as many moments that will take my breath away as I can. And I have to tell you that’s pretty easy to do if you’re paying attention to those around you. Time is the most precious thing we’ve been given.

Time. How much time? I have no idea how much time. That’s one of the most frustrating parts of this fight. Every thing in my life, your life, all of our lives pretty much have a beginning, middle and end. My original diagnosis had this whole plan laid out for me, surgery, eight chemo sessions, Tamoxifen treatment, 3 month check ups etc. There was a beginning, middle and end. This time around, it’s a wait and see game plan. How does one fight and work a plan that has not been set? This is not something I am equipped to deal with. All this waiting and not knowing is awful. I know how to fight something I can see. I know how to fight with a game plan. This, I have no idea how to handle this. Because this is the beginning, everything from here on out is the middle, and the end will be the end. I don’t know how to square that one in my head or my heart.

So these are the types of things I am thinking about and it’s pretty over whelming. Every sunset, the full moon, Christmas tree decorations, a great meal, laughing with friends… each time I wonder if this will be the last time I get to experience this. And I know I will continue to ask myself that question over and over. Or I’ll be sad when I think about something that I won’t ever get to experience in the first place. I don’t know how to stop myself from doing that.

I really hope when you read this you don’t hear me saying poor me, or I’m giving up or think I’m sitting here just waiting to die. I’m not. I will fight and fight and when you think the fight is out of me I will get back up and fight some more. I will not give up. Ever. I know that medicine is changing and improving all of the time and that maybe just maybe someone somewhere will invent something that will save my life. In the meantime, I will be here trying to kick the crap out of something I cannot see and something that does not fight fair.

So there it is. That’s how I’m doing right now. I know this is a process and eventually I will get to where I am living a perfectly normal life where cancer is not the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. And I do get that there are plenty of people out there who have much more serious illnesses than I do and much less time. My heart breaks for those who are ill regardless the severity. I’m just really sad and overwhelmed right now trying to figure out a way to deal with it all. So thank you for listening to my rant. I appreciate it very much. I hope you are all doing well today and that I get to see you soon.

Love to you all and God bless.

Jen