New Knockers!

Well it’s official; I do not look like an Uncle Fester Transformer any more. Uncle Fester has been dealt with by all of my new hair coming in. Eyebrows and eyelashes are in pretty good shape and my hair is getting longer and thicker each day. For those of you who have asked what color my hair is coming in as, I’m pretty sure nature calls it “Field Mouse”. I have no idea if this is my real color or my “chemo” color. In either case it’s not attractive and I can’t wait for it to be long enough for me to color it again. As for the length and style, Billy Idol called and he wants his hair back.

On May 24th I went in for surgery for my new implants. I went to the hospital around 10:30 and got prepped in those stylish hospital gowns again. I had the same anesthesiologist as I did for my mastectomy, which made me feel good because I came out of that operation pretty well in tact. “Alive” is always a good indication that the anesthesiologist is doing a good job.

This surgery preparation was a little different than the last two. Dr. Luong (pictured here) marked me up and we were ready to go. I didn’t get any medication before to relax and I walked myself to the operating room. Weird huh? The last two times they drugged me up and wheeled me into surgery. Let’s face it, the last operation (double mastectomy) they had to damn near knock me out in the waiting room just to get me into pre-op and surgery.

The operating table is much skinnier than you would think. It looks more like a cross than a table. The room is brightly lit, cold, blue, white and steel. So I hopped up on the balance beam, cradled my head in the head cup dealio and they strapped my arms onto the cross. Then they hooked me up to the anesthesia and I was out in a nano second. They probably didn’t want me fiddling around and roll off the balance beam. An hour and a half later I was waking up in recovery.

The best thing about waking up in post op on a Thursday afternoon is Helen Edberg. She was volunteering that day and she took really good care of me while I was waking up. Recovery took about and hour and 45 minutes, longer than the lumpectomy recovery. But I was much more alert before I left this time. Helen wheeled me out to the car, said good bye and told J.R. and Steph to take good care of me. We love her for that.

Even though I just had surgery and was really sore, it felt so much better to have those tissue expanders out. I was wrapped up with a huge ace bandage and sent home around 3:45. When I got home I assumed the position with my Steeler’s blanket on the big couch downstairs, popped a Vicodin and had a snack. Steph made me soup and crackers. It was the best soup and crackers in the whole world. I was starving since I wasn’t allowed any food or drink after midnight. I was ready to gnaw off someone’s arm.

As you can imagine I was really sore for a few days because my muscles took a beating during surgery. Remember they had to drain the tissue expanders which were under the muscle, remove them and then place the implants under the muscle. She tried several sizes and I ended up with the smallest of the three that we ordered. My muscles just wouldn’t stretch any further. So I have 650 cc implants. What does that equate to in bra sizes? I have no idea. I suppose I could run to Victoria’s Secret and try some on but since I don’t need to wear a bra any more I guess I don’t really care. I’m a much sportier model than I used to be. I also had a little bit of lipo suction done right in the crook of my under arm.

When they place the implants in, part of the fatty tissue gets pushed up and looks weird, like someone is pushing their fingers through your skin, so they lipo suction that. Those of you who may be considering lipo suction, one thing, Holy ****! Does that *&#@&*^!* hurt! Forget lipo suction, go to the gym and eat right instead. It’ll be less painful. I could barely move my arms for three days and I don’t know if you know this or not but arms are important.

24 hours after surgery I was able to remove the bandage and take a shower. When I took off the bandage I have to admit I was horrified. I was all black and blue, swollen and mushed down. Imagine a ¾ filled beach ball and how that would lay on the ground, that’s what it looked like to me. You know I have felt a lot of emotions during this whole battle, one of which was extremely pissed off. This was another pissed off moment for me. I was so mad at the cancer for what it has done to my body I just couldn’t see straight.

After being mad at my situation I went right into being just broken hearted. I don’t really know how else to put it. The sadness was just overwhelming. It was the first time in my life that I actually felt uncomfortable in my own body. I’m not sure what I was expecting from this surgery but I realized that I still had a long way to go with the reconstruction process. I probably have another year to go with nipple reconstruction, scar revision and healing. It was a very deflating moment for me when I realized that.

Tomorrow will be 8 months since I’ve been diagnosed, on one hand it has gone by so quickly and on the other hand it has dragged on because everything they do to you makes you feel crummy and hurts. And I’m one of the lucky ones, I only had to have 8 cycles of chemo and no radiation so I know there are many women out there who battle way longer than I have or have to battle cancer more than once. I have nothing to complain about in the grand scheme of things.

So the practical Jen understands that there is still a long way to go until this battle is truly over with but the emotional Jen wants to throw herself on the collective floor and throw the temper tantrum of a lifetime. Practical Jen will win out of course. Since I’ve taken those bandages off and looked at myself for the first time the bruises have dissipated, the swelling has gone down and the scars look better every day. There is very little pain left, just enough to let me know that I should not push myself as hard as I’d like to. And if I should say so myself, when these knockers are finished they will be pretty fabulous, and they won’t kill me.

At the end of the month I will go back to the oncologist and have my 3 month check up and blood tests. I’m hoping that she will give me the good news that I am cancer free. Anything short of that will just be unacceptable.

I’m getting ready to start my Tamoxifen treatment and that will last 5 years. I think starting a hormone treatment at the beginning of summer is priceless. Since it’s going to be hot out any way maybe no one will notice that I’m having my 66th hot flash of the day. For those of you who don’t remember, my cancer is estrogen and progesterone receptor positive and the Tamoxifen will block those from feeding any cancer cells that still may be in my body. When the hot flashes start and we move to the North Pole we’ll be sure to forward on our new address.

So that’s it for now. I will let you know what the Dr. says on July 2nd. If you could all say a little prayer for a cancer free verdict I’d sure appreciate it. Thank you again for being here for me while I battle on. I am so lucky to have you in my life. I hope this note finds you all well and I hope you are having a great day!

All my love,

Jen